Saturday, July 21, 2012

Back to fat!

I had the pleasure of spending some time with one of my favorite people the other day. An amazing woman whom I adore!! Every time I am around her I realize how much we have in common…. Like we’re cut from the same fabric… and then I realize how we’re different, too. I appreciate the fact that we can agree to disagree… that our differences don’t seem to separate us but simply make us individuals. 

As we spent at least 8 hours talking… there was bound to be a moment where we discussed our bodies and love lives. I love this woman with all of my heart and soul.. in ways I’m sure she isn’t even aware… and she turned to me and said with a smile… “I think you should get lap band… and I know you’re going to say…’if a man doesn’t like my body then he doesn’t deserve me.’ but it doesn’t have to be that way…” So I let her talk to me for 30 minutes about why I should do this… for my health (joints, diabetes, etc…). 

And I took a deep breath… and I told her that it had taken me a long time to like my body and that I am finally happy with it. That I am not above all the messages that tell me my body is wrong or disgusting… but that I’m HAPPY!  I also told her that it took me a long time to realize that other people’s dislike of their body has NOTHING to do with me and everything to do with the messages they’re getting! She seemed happy to know that I was satisfied emotionally but thought I could be more satisfied physically.  And all I could picture in my head was two straight hours of Just Dance Wii with my roommate. I’m tired afterward and sweating like none other… but I LOVE doing it... jiggling all the way!!! (And god, do I miss it and HIM! Geez!!! He’s glorious!!)

Later that night when I was alone for a moment… I decided I would consider lap band. After all... I hold her up on a pedestal, I think she is amazing.. maybe I should just see how I feel about it... So I put myself in that place emotionally and thought about what it would be like physically.. etc… And within 30 seconds I couldn’t breathe! My heart was racing and I wanted to cry. PANIC! Why do I have to change my body? I finally have a loving relationship with it!!! I’m finally not ashamed of it! I’m finally glad to show my skin, to touch my skin to have someone else touch it!!! Some women never feel that way. Some women never learn to love their body… that hurts. That is the wound that needs to be healed…. Not my weight, not my fat. 

We also talked about relationships/family and such. She asked me if I wanted kids. And I appreciated SO much that she ASKED me if I wanted them… and not “why don’t you have any kids?” However, trying to explain to her what trying to date is like… was not easy. Statistically speaking… I’m kind of running out of time and prospects…LOL Put on top of it my education, my fatness, my political/social views, and my spiritual beliefs… and I’m practically unlovable… LMAO (except by women and gay men..LOL.. Also, I shouldn't have to put this disclaimer in here but I will... I don't think I'm unlovable... I think I have spent the majority of my 20s NOT ready.) She did ask me why I have so many gay friends. For once.. she didn’t assume I was a lesbian… but she wondered why I have a vast majority of gay guy friends (as far as my guy friends go)… And honestly.. that is who I am drawn to and who is drawn to me. **shoulder shrug**

And to go off on another tangent…. The other day someone asked me who my best friend was… and I said well.. it depends on which city/state I’m in because I have best friends scattered all over. They told me that I can’t have more than one best friend. And I was slightly offended by that. I reject that I can’t have multiple people whom I feel comfortable bearing my soul (or my breasts) to…  (Don’t worry J.S…. I’ll keep the ladies under wraps just for you... LOL…A.H…. don’t count on it…LOL!) But really… if I question/challenge gender norms, racial norms, class norms, spiritual norms, etc.… why the hell am I going to adhere to some idea that I can only have one best friend. Lame!  And you best believe if I manage to move over to the other side of my statistical dating reality … I will have two Men of Honor!!! Boom! LMAO!!
Cause I'm feeling super watery today!! 

So what have we learned today children:
1.     I’m fat and happy
2.     My chances of getting married are low (according to some statistical data that is floating around on the interwebs…LOL)
3.     I have multiple best friends…
4.     It seems I like to show my breasts to my BFFs…. LOL!
5.     And I will have two men on my side of the isle if given the chance!! (Polyandry anyone??? LMAO! )
6.     I’m kind of hilarious sometimes… (and super humble… LMAO)  

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