Back to fat!

I had the pleasure of spending some time with one of my favorite people the other day. An amazing woman whom I adore!! Every time I am around her I realize how much we have in common…. Like we’re cut from the same fabric… and then I realize how we’re different, too. I appreciate the fact that we can agree to disagree… that our differences don’t seem to separate us but simply make us individuals. 

As we spent at least 8 hours talking… there was bound to be a moment where we discussed our bodies and love lives. I love this woman with all of my heart and soul.. in ways I’m sure she isn’t even aware… and she turned to me and said with a smile… “I think you should get lap band… and I know you’re going to say…’if a man doesn’t like my body then he doesn’t deserve me.’ but it doesn’t have to be that way…” So I let her talk to me for 30 minutes about why I should do this… for my health (joints, diabetes, etc…). 

And I took a deep breath… and I told her that it had taken me a long time to like my body and that I am finally happy with it. That I am not above all the messages that tell me my body is wrong or disgusting… but that I’m HAPPY!  I also told her that it took me a long time to realize that other people’s dislike of their body has NOTHING to do with me and everything to do with the messages they’re getting! She seemed happy to know that I was satisfied emotionally but thought I could be more satisfied physically.  And all I could picture in my head was two straight hours of Just Dance Wii with my roommate. I’m tired afterward and sweating like none other… but I LOVE doing it... jiggling all the way!!! (And god, do I miss it and HIM! Geez!!! He’s glorious!!)

Later that night when I was alone for a moment… I decided I would consider lap band. After all... I hold her up on a pedestal, I think she is amazing.. maybe I should just see how I feel about it... So I put myself in that place emotionally and thought about what it would be like physically.. etc… And within 30 seconds I couldn’t breathe! My heart was racing and I wanted to cry. PANIC! Why do I have to change my body? I finally have a loving relationship with it!!! I’m finally not ashamed of it! I’m finally glad to show my skin, to touch my skin to have someone else touch it!!! Some women never feel that way. Some women never learn to love their body… that hurts. That is the wound that needs to be healed…. Not my weight, not my fat. 

We also talked about relationships/family and such. She asked me if I wanted kids. And I appreciated SO much that she ASKED me if I wanted them… and not “why don’t you have any kids?” However, trying to explain to her what trying to date is like… was not easy. Statistically speaking… I’m kind of running out of time and prospects…LOL Put on top of it my education, my fatness, my political/social views, and my spiritual beliefs… and I’m practically unlovable… LMAO (except by women and gay men..LOL.. Also, I shouldn't have to put this disclaimer in here but I will... I don't think I'm unlovable... I think I have spent the majority of my 20s NOT ready.) She did ask me why I have so many gay friends. For once.. she didn’t assume I was a lesbian… but she wondered why I have a vast majority of gay guy friends (as far as my guy friends go)… And honestly.. that is who I am drawn to and who is drawn to me. **shoulder shrug**

And to go off on another tangent…. The other day someone asked me who my best friend was… and I said well.. it depends on which city/state I’m in because I have best friends scattered all over. They told me that I can’t have more than one best friend. And I was slightly offended by that. I reject that I can’t have multiple people whom I feel comfortable bearing my soul (or my breasts) to…  (Don’t worry J.S…. I’ll keep the ladies under wraps just for you... LOL…A.H…. don’t count on it…LOL!) But really… if I question/challenge gender norms, racial norms, class norms, spiritual norms, etc.… why the hell am I going to adhere to some idea that I can only have one best friend. Lame!  And you best believe if I manage to move over to the other side of my statistical dating reality … I will have two Men of Honor!!! Boom! LMAO!!

Cause I'm feeling super watery today!! 

So what have we learned today children:

1.     I’m fat and happy

2.     My chances of getting married are low (according to some statistical data that is floating around on the interwebs…LOL)

3.     I have multiple best friends…

4.     It seems I like to show my breasts to my BFFs…. LOL!

5.     And I will have two men on my side of the isle if given the chance!! (Polyandry anyone??? LMAO! )

6.     I’m kind of hilarious sometimes… (and super humble… LMAO)  

Don't Touch!!!

My sister is 16… think about that for a second… soak up allll that that means! Hormones, boy drama, drama in general, etc…  So… one of her guy friends shows up one afternoon while we’re all sitting outside. He’s obnoxious. Immediately he comes and sits on my lap. (I had met him once prior to this moment… and didn’t like the vibe I got off of him… he made me uncomfortable.)  Well… he just plops down on my lap… leans back on me. I giggle and try to gently remove him (because I’m trying not to be rude but at the same time I don’t want him there…).  He gets up and starts talking to my sister and the boys… blah blah blah…  Later that night, when he was leaving, he hugged me (now if you know me you know I LOVE hugs) but I didn’t want to hug him. So my arms were to my side. And he said, “If you don’t hug me I will lick you in the ear.” When I tried to pull away he hugged me tighter… so I hugged him just to get him the fuck off of me.

Skip to the next afternoon… we’re sitting outside (we do this so the boys can RUN and wear themselves out… they have SO much energy!) and he shows up, unannounced, again. This time he walks up.. makes my step mom feel uncomfortable (which he also did the night before), manages to make the neighbor feel uncomfortable and then he sits down next to me. AND HE STARTS RUBBING MY STOMACH!!!!! Like full palm rubbing my stomach! And in a very hateful tone I removed his hand and told him not to touch me. SO THE LITTLE FUCKER STARTED RUBBING MY THIGH!!!! And I grabbed his wrist and said, “ I do NOT like your hands on my body. DON”T TOUCH ME!” He didn’t apologize… didn’t say anything. Just stopped touching me and went on like nothing happened.

I got up and came into the house. Everyone else just lets him get away with it…”Aww… it’s so-and-so… he’s just like that…hehe!” Fuck that shit!!! He might think he’s all cute and cuddly but he’s creepy!!! And he doesn’t know how to listen. When people say words like, STOP, DON’T DO THAT, NO, I DON’T LIKE THAT and physically pull away from you… YOU NEED TO STOP! He doesn’t hear any of that… and then he likes to coerce people into getting what he wants. You don’t hug me.. I will lick your ear. You don’t hug me I will lick your forehead!  And he does this ALL the time to all kinds of women. When will it be “If you don’t fuck me I will rape you!” ß and that is exactly how creepy I find him to be!

Well, we told my dad… and he felt the same way I did! So he swiftly sat him down and had a talk with him the next time he popped in!! Very calm, very level headed… but informed him not to come back!

Then a few days later I saw this article!!! (I have always found this asshat rather foul and disgusting!) But when I read this… I felt even more assaulted and, might I add, pissed all over again. So Tosh thinks it’s hilarious to have people touch fat women’s stomachs in order to cause them shame and embarrassment? Well.. I can say that having my stomach touched didn’t embarrass me it pissed me off and made me feel uncomfortable! (And frankly made me want to break his fingers… but I try to keep the violence down… ) It bothers me to think that this child got the idea from Tosh’s show! From listening to him I feel like this would be his kind of humor… and here I am minding my own business, at my house.. and this little fucker thinks he can touch me like this… potentially because some stupid comedian thinks it’s perfectly fine to try and shame fat women!? How disgusting!!?!

Let’s hope this child gets his shit together. And let’s hope all the vibes I get from him are wrong….

Jiggle, Jiggle, Jiggle, Jiggle, Jiggle... LOL

I have been working on, what I would like to call this, the FAT post for a few weeks now… Guess I just needed to be angry enough to finish it.

I am finding it harder and harder to swallow all the fat-shaming, fat-hating, bullshit that loves to pop up on facebook or when hanging out with friends or family… or well during EVERY commercial break EVER! While this no longer pushes play on that self-hating recording I once had in my brain/spirit….it makes it no less irritating, frustrating, and sometimes hurtful.

Incident #1: So… My family went on a mini-vacation to Gatlinburg, TN a few weeks ago. I walked into a store that was full of long flowy dresses (you know I wanted every single one of them)…and when I asked the clerk if they had plus size clothing she snarled her lip and sounded shocked that I would even ask as she said no. It was a slap in the face… all my education, all my whiteness, all my kindness and openness won’t protect me from the fat hatred and fat shaming that even complete strangers feel perfectly inclined to administer. (And frankly… if my whiteness can’t protect me from it… NOTHING can!) It had been a long time since I had felt that someone believed I shouldn’t exist… at least in my present body. So I wrapped myself in the thickest, most elitest (and honestly, problematic) blanket I could think of …. And walked out of the store and went and ate myself some deep fried oreos! (Not because I was eating away the pain… but because I wanted them and I wasn’t going to allow someone to guilt me into not eating what I want…. Take THAT heifer!)

Later that night… I put on my bathing suit and went swimming in the hotel pool with my siblings. There was a dance competition in town... so our pool was FULL of thin, attractive dancers. Scattered about were families, little kids, and the occasional of-age male. It was nice to swim unconcerned about how everyone else was seeing my body. To NOT be ashamed of it. I remember a time when it didn’t bother me to be in a bathing suit… but I was completely unaware of my body. Once I became aware… I covered it, hid it… never wanted anyone to see it or even imagine it. Actually, it was so bad.. I wouldn’t tell a man I had a crush on I was going to take a shower because I was afraid he would picture me naked and be disgusted. So..It’s a weird feeling when you become aware you’re not wasting your time concerned with how everyone else feels about how you look.

Incident # 2: I was in the grocery store the other day… the snack cake isle to-be-exact… and this woman throws two packages of snack cakes in her cart. She turns to me and says…” I’m on vacation screw my diet… “ and she laughs, uncomfortably. (She seemed like a very pleasant woman… and its very possible she was looking for some support… “Hey, we’re both women and society constantly tells us our bodies are wrong so I’m sure you know what it feels like….”) Then she tells her daughter it doesn’t matter she, the mother, has a year to lose the weight before she has to be in a bathing suit again. (This was the sad part because she is already (unintentionally or maybe, unconsciously) teaching her 7(?) year old daughter to hate her body, constantly try to change it, and never dream of wearing a bathing suit if you’re **gasp**… fat! Not to mention the potentially unhealthy relationship with food she could be creating…) Now…. It has come to my attention that people, strangers and loved ones alike… like to tell me when they’re not adhering to their diet. I have also heard things like… “I’m going to gain all my weight back now that you’re home…” So.. what you’re saying is…

1.  My fatness is apparently contagious.

2.  My fatness causes you to assume I’m NOT on a diet of some sort. (Which YAY.. cause I’m not..  I eat what I want… which is generally healthier than most assume..)

3. Or my fatness causes you to assume that I AM on a diet and I know what it means to break a diet…(cause I’m super fat so I must have zero motivation… had a doctor tell me that once. WOMP!) 

Incident #3: My 16-year-old sister’s friends come over on a regular.  I find them generally acceptable…LOL Well, today they were facebook stalking some people and her friend blurts out, “Wow.. she got fatter and uglier…”  Immediately she turns to me and apologizes… hides her face in shame because she said it where I could hear it and continues to profusely apologize. I didn’t say a single word. How am I supposed to tell her that her assumption that I would be angry says WAAAY more about her and her fat-phobia than me!!?  That she automatically associates FAT with UGLY? That her apology must mean that she thinks I’m an acceptable fatty… but NOT that girl? I Looooove being the acceptable fatty. (Sheldon… SARCASM SIGN) I’m nice or kind or smart. Or I carry my weight in a good way. Or I have a pretty face. UGH!!!

If they (being everyone in my home town, or well the US, in general) could understand that FAT does not mean UGLY, or BAD, it would be so much easier (like preaching to the choir, right?). Yes, I’m FAT! Hello!!! All the material in the world can’t hide my big back-side or my stomach (okay.. maybe ALL the material in the world.. but you know what I mean). I’m not trying to pretend I’m skinny… My little brother Ethan likes to tell me I’m skinny and that he is fat. I like to think that is his way of saying fat isn’t bad… or negative. He has also started this thing where he likes to pat my stomach and make it jiggle. Then he looks at me with the sweetest, most sincere face, and says… “I’m trying to make you laugh.” And it works. EVERY SINGLE TIME! LOL  That would have horrified me a year ago and I would have swatted his hand away. Guess I had to learn fat jiggles and that’s okay. LOL!   (Expect another post dedicated to touching stomachs… it’s much less pleasant. Trust!)

The first time I saw this photo... I wept. 

I had never seen a man embrace a body, that looked like mine, in such a loving way. 

I am beginning to see all the ways fat-phobia creeps in and sometimes in a not-so-subtle way. And I'm also beginning to realize that I am way more comfortable in my body than I ever have been. And that I tend to be happier with my body than some people I know. But it's still a battle... stay strong and keep fighting!!!! 

Just a bit much...lol!

I have spent the last few weeks watching “Boys Over Flowers”… a South Korean Drama.

Tell me these men aren't beautiful and swoon worthy!!

 I started watching it merely because Lee Min Ho was the main actor (he was also City Hunter **swoon**, he's the one with the fur collar!), but the more I watched it the more totally engrossed I became. I have never been so caught up in a TV show in my life! And frankly, that is saying something. I have found myself this emotionally connected to many book characters… Harry Potter and the Hunger Games characters for example… but never a TV show. And I have been reminded that my ability to get totally lost in make believe is sometimes detrimental to my emotional and psychological well-being. (I know.... it sounds ridiculous and trust me my sister has had no problem laughing until she cried while I have melted down.) I can become anxious, which lasts even after the show has ended, I dream about the characters, and I can literally fall apart sobbing when something happens to them.

I have always had a propensity for getting too involved in books, cartoons (Lion King), movies, tv shows, and well, some commercials can bring me to tears in their 30 second time slot.  I have often felt silly for my emotions, mostly because other people find my reactions over-the-top or are made uncomfortable by them.  I have learned to accept them… and allow other people’s responses to not affect me so much. (I may write more about being "sensitive" and "emotional" on a later post... there is a lot to say there...)

I guess the point of this whole post is to say… You should watch “Boys over Flowers” (streaming free on Netflix!)….LOL! Although the roller coaster that episodes 17-25 put you through may be a bit much for most people… there are SO many twists and turns and **gasp** moments that it might be viewed as excessive. So while you enjoy your Television selections... I know I need a break from South Korean Dramas... Shew! Until then... another picture of Lee Min Ho? 

Questions, Pride, and Family....

The last few days have felt like a whirlwind… every time I sit down to blog.. I’m too tired to try. LOL! So I am playing catch up today. I’ll go chronologically.

About a week ago a relative and his girlfriend came over to visit. He’s one of those relatives that I don’t see very often but it doesn’t matter because he’s always friendly. Actually, I genuinely enjoy him even though he says things he shouldn’t… oh he says things.  Well, apparently his girlfriend is about to start college in Louisville. This seems to be a huge area of anxiety for her.

Now, I am not certain why I get asked these questions… but I guess it’s because I am the only person, that some people back home know, who knows “real” Black people. Isn’t that strange? I have become this door to the outside world… to understanding Black people. So… the girlfriend is going to have a Black roommate and this is causing some sort of anxiety. “Are they just like us?” She asked with hesitation. Now I have been asked similar things on many occasions… and in the past it has pissed me off.. Like how do you NOT know Black people are, well, people! **sigh** But I know she was as well intentioned as one can be when asking such a thing. So I explained to her that yes, in fact Black people are just like us in many ways. That there are sometimes cultural differences and because I know how White people tend to react to Black hair… I tried to explain the differences there… especially since she will be sharing living space with this woman. But yes, Black people are, in fact, people. She said she thinks the woman has money… and I said well, in that case some of the differences you may encounter can also be class based. Now, I realize I couldn’t break down intersectionality and the differences that are created by race, class, gender, sexuality.. etc, etc… in the 7 minutes I had her attention, but I tried to give her something.

In the past I have noticed how… once White people feel like they can ask me questions about race without me freaking out they ask the Burning questions they have always had.. but never had anyone to ask! Sometimes they’re hilarious… but only because they’re ridiculous and created by the media representations.. and if I don’t laugh.. I will cry about it. And some of the questions are just fucking sad. Now her question of choice was… “Do they really eat a lot of fried chicken and watermelon?” I busted out laughing… and I said… “Do you ever eat fried chicken? And honestly I have never seen a Black person eat Watermelon. I eat more watermelon than any Black person I ever known. But no, “they” don’t eat any more fried chicken or watermelon than White people.” I’m sure that’s not the best answer… but what do I say to someone who really DOESN”T know? Someone who has never had to know or consider anything beyond their White world? And she wanted to know.. wanted to better understand. That’s a start, right? And she’s… young. Just out of High School… it’s not an excuse but her reality. I was in the dark at 18….

The next day I traveled to Louisville to attend the Pride parade and Pride festival with two of my Bffs!!!  It was such a wonderful time! The parade was great.. I got my own set of rainbow beads!! And a small supply of condoms.. LOL! I got to meet up with some great people who I haven’t seen in a while. It was a great!!! It’s so nice to spend time with people that feed your spirit just by being there. And it’s always nice to be around your coven…. Even if its only you and one other person. The energy that is created with that person is healing…. Sustaining! I look forward to going back in July and spending more time with everyone up there. (and going back to Sitar…lol)

Saturday I came back from Louisville to go to my cousin’s wedding. She married a guy I grew up, and graduated with… cute to think he’s part of the family now. I spent a good portion of the festivities catching up with family. I miss my cousins but our lives are so far apart that it’s hard to keep up with them… or maybe I’m just afraid I’m lame (in their eyes) and they really wouldn’t want to hang out with me outside of family functions. **sigh** When did the little boys I loved so fiercely become the grown men I see today? One of them ships out for Afghanistan in August…. His second tour.  While his mother is about to fight her own battle… her third. I would like to send him stuff this time around… snacks and stuff to comfort him. I hope I can stick to it… I can be the WORST about shipping things. 

There was lots of laughter. And we took some great pictures of all the cousins in attendance. There are so many more of us… but they still turned out really well.

I think it’s time to rekindle some relationships within the family…. There are people I miss and, yet, I let my pride or something equally as stupid get in the way of reaching out.  

An exhausting monday...

It’s been an up-and-down kind of day.

Had lunch with an old friend today. We grew up together and sort of drifted apart in the last four years because our political and religious ideologies are so different. It was so nice to spend time with her and realize that even though that is still true… it still feels so natural to be around her. I’m so glad she reached out to me to set up the meeting. It was lovely to finally meet her son. (He’s adorable!!) We agreed there are some things we have to agree to disagree on but that shouldn’t stop us from talking. I’m glad. She was always such a great friend and I would like to maintain contact with her. I think this was a huge step in that direction! We’re planning on meeting up again before I leave.

I came home from lunch and helped my dad run some errands and then was trapped in the house with three teenagers and my two little brothers. This will make a person crazy! I started dinner at 5… cooked everybody their fish (cause clearly with 6 of us it took three different types of preparation… AH!).  I’m sitting at the table with my brothers while they finish up dinner because I felt totally drained… and Ethan launches a hush puppy at my face and hits me in the eye! (After I told them to quit playing around and eat like 5 times!) Needless to say I didn’t handle that all too well…. Without a thought I launched one at his head. Sadly, he ducked. And it missed. LOL! The parents vacated the downstairs as soon as the post-dinner cigarette was smoked. Grrrr!!! Thankfully, Hannah cleaned the kitchen while I got the boys to settle down on the couch for a little while.

I didn’t do anything, for real, to feel this exhausted.

Today was my Nanny’s birthday. We’re trying to plan a trip down to see her tombstone. (I would like to see the stone in person… to know that I did a good job in picking it out.) Hannah wants to take her flowers. She’s been upset all day. I kind of fail her when it comes to comforting her. I can comfort anyone in the world but my own sister. I think it has to do with the fact that most of the time what she is upset about I am, too. And I don’t know how to navigate my feelings and hers. And as bad as it makes me sound sometimes I question her sincerity. But who am I?

Found out more about my aunt… she will lose her other breast (she lost the first one to cancer when she was in college thirty years ago). It’s apparently at an advanced stage. They (those faceless, nameless, doctors in lab coats) say that there is a 70% chance that will take care of all it. Let’s hope and pray. My dad finally talked to her the other day and he said she sounded really good, happy. I made her a Tree of Life pendant the other night with pink stones and a “Hope” ribbon hanging from the branch. I look forward to giving it to her. I hope she likes it. 

Oh my siblings make me giggle...

This has been an interesting day concerning my siblings…. LOL!

Hannah had to have a physical for Dance today… and I stayed at the house with Aaron while everyone else went to the Doctor’s office. Upon their return… I discover that my 15-year-old sister stuck her finger in the Doctor’s fish tank and was bitten… BY A PIRANHA!! **facepalm** It drew blood!!! SMH! I just don’t know about her sometimes.

Aaron lost his fourth tooth today!! He was so excited to go to bed and have the tooth fairy come! Unfortunately… Ethan is terrified of the tooth fairy and didn’t want to go to sleep!! I must admit… I never considered the idea that the tooth fairy could be a scary thing. But I guess some random winged creature coming into your room at night and collecting your lost teeth, from under your pillow, could come across as scary! It was so cute hearing Aaron trying to console him… But Hannah had to go snuggle with him to calm him down.

Also.. I have learned a few things in my short time back in GC… 1. Littering makes me angry, instantly! There is just NO reason for it! And there is no reason to teach children to do these things or to allow children to do them! I had forgotten that I used to fight with my father about this growing up. 2. I think gender-policing children is abusive. And I can’t believe I ever participated in gender policing (of which I am certain I still do to some degree… I am not a saint)… and I can’t believe it still exists in such huge and harmful ways. (A shout out to Sarah for raising three boys without Gendered policing! I hope I’m like her if I ever have children… although… her patience exceeds anyone’s I know. )

Movie notes of the night…: Lockout was shamefully predictable but the main character was.. mildly attractive with an enjoyable wit (if you like it crude). I wouldn’t watch it again… but it wasn’t a complete waste of 88 minutes.